For once i was proud of myself.
I got into a good school, and I am working my ass off just to be as good as the other kids.
I am working my ass off in classes i don't particularly like, on subjects i don't give a shit about.
At my school it is almost impossible to get an A, and a you're lucky if you have a B.
So i have all c's. But I work my ass off to get those C's, and almost all my classmates have C's.
A C at this school means you understand what you are doing and you are decent at it, but you aren't a pro.
I mean my lowest grade is Sketching for Communications, and I have a C-. It's a class based around drawing. I understand how to draw and shade and what not, I just kinda suck at it. I just wasn't blessed with that talent. But my teacher did say he say a great improvement.
And in my least favorite class, Printmaking, i have a C+, which is showing how much effort I am putting into a class that I hate.



But that doesn't matter, it isn't all A's or all A's & B's, so trying my hardest isn't good enough for my dad. He just has this way of being able to make me feel like shit about myself when I thought i was doing my best. I feel like no matter what i do i am not up to standards in his eyes. And that i will never be. All i want to hear is that he is proud, but i never hear that. All i hear is
"Hannah, I'm not paying for you to go to college to make C's."

I don't think he understands how much it hurts when he puts me down. He has made so many mistakes in his life, many that have affected my life greatly, but you don't see me putting him down. You don't see me listing out his flaws. Most of the time I am proud to call him my father, even though he has put me through so much shit. Most teenagers would hate him forever. He ranaway from the things that were troubling him in his life, and he was alot older than me. He placed all of those problems on me and the rest of my mom's family, and attempted to start over. You don't see me running away from my problems. You don't see me crying during class because my stuff isn't the best, or see me attempting to drop the class just because it's hard. I get enough criticism from my teachers i don't need it from him.

He never seems to support me other than financially, and the thing that makes the situation even worse is that i don't think he knows how too.

I'm having like the worst week/month/semester, as much as i like college it's a major stressor. I mean I'm lonely but i wan't my own space, i'm tired but can't sleep ever, I miss home but know i would be 10x unhappier at home. I just feel like I'm stuck in this little rut, and knowing that i get to go home in a week is making everything even harder. It's making me more homesick, but at the same time it's making me nervous. I really don't want to sit through a Thanksgiving of ragging on Hannah for her grades or having Paula's mom be a bitch to me as normal.

I really just want to go home to get away from here for a little bit.
To see my friends and my dogs.
and to try to escape a little of the stress.